The Book of Champions

Blackpool Men’s 1s 5-0 Runcorn Men’s 1s

by David Wright

1 In the eighth game of the reign of the Lord came Blackpool unto Murdishaw, and besieged it. 2 And the Lord spake unto Morgan the master of his eunuchs, that he should bring certain of the children of Israel, aka Blackpool, and also Joe, the newest among them; 3 Children in whom was no blemish, but well favoured, and skilful in all wisdom, and cunning in knowledge, and understanding science, and such as had ability in them to stand as champions. 4 And the Lord denied them on Friday a daily provision of the Lord’s meat, and of the wine which he drank: which had been so nourishing them these last years, that at the end thereof they might stand before the Lord ready to play that early on a Saturday and not be hung over. 5 Thus Blackpool went to their resting places, and passed the night fasting: neither were instruments of music brought before them: and their thirst went from them. 6 Then Blackpool arose very early in the morning, and went in haste unto the den of lions.

7 Now among these were Gaz, son of Satan, Danny, son of Sinbad, Rob, son of Tarzan, Joe, son of Troy, Mitch, son of Frankenstein, Paco, son of Dracula, Dave, son of Zorro, Kieron, son of Agun, Lefty, son of Peter Sucliff, Steve, son of Abitch, and Liam, son of Apreacherman. 8 And the Lord said, This will be the hardest game of the season so far, let us crush them as the Canaanites vanquished the Philistines. 9 Let the walls of their defences be struck down, as Joshua’s trumpets did lay waste to Jericho. 10 And Dave saw that Pete of the tribe of South Shore was not present, and therefore he did make many clichéd references to the bank in his stead. 11 And in the 30th minute of the hour, the game began. And Gaz said unto Danny, Thou shalt not pass across the D from a sideline hit again. 12 And Kieron, son of Agun, saw that the game goeth not well. 13 But there was much wasting of opportunities, and Blackpool did not convert what they needed to convert.

14 And in the second half Blackpool did redouble their efforts, and the Lord did castigate them, saying, Rise up and sack the walls of these none believers. 15 And Liam did take the ball deep in our half, and did dribble it wondrously up the touchline, until Steve smote it into the goal. 16 And there was much rejoicing amongst Blackpool, and the followers of Runcorn did weep. 17 And the children of the Lord said, They are smitten down before us, as in the first half. But the children of Runcorn said, Let us flee, and draw them from the D unto the attack. 18 And the men Runcorn rose up out of their place, and put themselves in array at the back: yet the liars in wait of Runcorn hung near the halfway line. 19 And there came against Runcorn goal ten of the chosen men out of Blackpool, and the battle was sore: but they knew not that evil was near them. 20 And the children of Runcorn smote the ball behind most of the children of Blackpool. 21 So the children of Blackpool saw that they were smitten: for the men of the Runcorn gave chase to the ball, because they trusted unto the liars in wait which they had set beside the D. 22 And the liars in wait hasted, and rushed upon the goal; and the liars in wait drew themselves along, and smote the ball with their stick.

23 And when the men of the Blackpool realised this was not Gods way they rose again, the Saints had began to smite at the goal of the men of the Runcorn many times: for they said, Surely they are smitten down before us. 24 But when Gods word is spoken through such strong men, lions and beasts lay down before them. 25 And when the men of Runcorn turned again to the halfway line, the men of the Blackpool were amazed: for they saw that Dave had finally scored. 26 And in then as if God himself had wanted it he scored again. 27 And thus Liam, son of Apreacherman saw Steve, son of Abitch steal what was rightfully his, but Runcorn were cast down, as their enemy was exulted. 28 But some of them spoke up, saying, we will not lose to these infidels from the Fylde Coast, but this put more fire in the Blades of the chosen men. 29 And Blackpool did take joy from the sacking of the village of Runcorn, and they pillaged and took the women of Runcorn as their own. 30 Now the Lord spake and said unto Blackpool, Thy Lord whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee. 31 Blackpool returned to the land of the free with the women of Runcorn and did multiply their numbers awaiting the day when the infidels return.

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